Silent Screams

“I think the saddest people always try to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” – Robin Williams

Robin Williams, by the looks of it, was a funny, jovial, comedian. Ironically, his cause of death was suicide due to depression. Depression, as anyone knows is a state of mental illness & mental illness takes over your life gradually like any other form of long-term physical illness. Except, to suffer from mental illness is worse than to suffer from physical illness because no matter who says what, we have no control over it. This is why it is so important to seek help.

Mental illness is a state that causes mild to severe disturbance in a person’s moods, thinking or behavior. This refers to a wide range of mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, addictive behaviors, etc. 

Back in the day it was considered an embarrassment to suffer from a mental illness because people were under the impression that anyone who suffers from such a condition is simply mad. There is a fine line between being completely insane and suffering from a curable disease. 

I have always been a paranoid and anxious person in general and I often thought it was because I didn’t know to control my mind or calm down. I believed it was due to my impatience and that I needed to train my mind to relax. About 9 years ago, when I lost one of my dearly beloved uncles in a road accident, this paranoia and anxiety became much worse. I had so many problems with my loved ones because they’d often think I was a crazy, psychopath when I get restless and not hear from them whether they got home safe or not. I’d stay up all night just to get that “I’m home” text. I would call up my mom out of paranoia to check her whereabouts, in case she took longer than the usual to get home from work.

This has been going on for the longest time. Considering my biggest fear in life is to lose my loved ones, this just kept getting worse. There was a recent incident where my sister was sick and at home and I hadn’t heard from her the whole day. In my head this is quite an unusual scenario since she drops me a text at least once a day. So that night, I fired a couple of text messages which did not get delivered, resulting in further increasing my paranoia and my anxiety. I dropped massages on our group chats, I called her cell, I called up all my cousins and the land line and made a huge scene before she returned my call and blasted me for acting crazy. I immediately realized I was in fact being crazy, but I cannot help it. This is me and this behavior is a part of me.

On top of my paranoia and anxiety, since of late I often felt depressed and frustrated. Of course, there have been a day or two throughout my entire existence where I didn’t want to get out of bed or do anything or just function in general. But in the recent past this just kept getting worse. My sleeping pattern was completely messed up. I’d fall asleep around 5.00 a.m. and wake up around 1.00 p.m. Even on occasions I fell asleep early at night and my body wakes me early morning, I’d just lie there on bed till past noon. When I finally manage to drag myself out of bed I’d lie on the couch and not get up. All I have been wanting to do is stuff a pillow in my face and just be there. 

This was quite unusual behavior, even for me. And this wasn’t lasting long. It’ll last a couple of days and the next thing you know, I want to hustle and be productive and get things done. I often thought this was just me being lazy and procrastinating, till I realized I was not. But this on and off phase lasted for months. On top of that I was being very emotional and extra sentimental. I’d start crying out of nowhere, for no apparent reason. Sometimes it’d be under the most unusual circumstances. I’d be sitting on my couch, binge watching a tv series and then start tearing. I can be chatting on a group chat and out of nowhere I’d exit the group and cry for a good 10 minutes and then get back to chatting. I have cried while watching “Friends” and this is when I realized this wasn’t normal.

At one point I thought it was because I spend too much time alone and maybe subconsciously, I needed to go out and mingle with people. But every time I went out, I couldn’t wait to get back home. I was surrounded by people who loved me and payed so much attention and yet I just wanted to break down. I felt a pit in my stomach and I just wanted to get out of wherever I was. There were many instances where I’d cry during the entire cab ride home. I had a few close family members I’d discuss this with, and they too knew this was not normal. The worst part is, I didn’t know what was wrong. As a matter of fact, there was absolutely nothing wrong with my life to feel the way I felt. But I still did.

The people I discussed this with were understanding enough to tell me that I should seek help if I needed to. I was very close to seeing either a shrink or a doctor about it when fortunately, a cousin of mine introduced me to this lady who was a spiritual guide. I got to talking to her once and I felt very comfortable to open-up to her. I told her everything that I had been feeling and dealing with and realized that my situation was not as bad to seek therapy or take anti-depressants. I was lucky enough that as a matter of fact I do have a strong mind and I can fight these feelings with proper guidance. So, when she explained to me all the things I have to be grateful for, and gave me some daily activities to practice, I started feeling much better. Its also safe to say that not only have I gotten rid of the depression, my anxiety and paranoia, which I have been fighting for so long, is far below than it used to be. 

But here’s the thing. My situation was marginal, and I didn’t need any special treatment to overcome it. That is not the case with most battling mental instability. If talking to that lady didn’t help me, I would have undoubtedly sought help from a professional. So, if you’re going through anything like this, then don’t be afraid to address it. But most importantly, don’t be ashamed to address it. 

Many years ago, I was reading a self-guidance book and in one chapter, Robin Sharma speaks about how you need to pen your thoughts. Especially when you feel sad or angry, to immediately start writing down everything you felt. I put this theory into practice a few years ago when I got out of a relationship. I was feeling upset and annoyed and vulnerable at the same time and I immediately started writing down my feelings. I have been practicing this since. Every time I want to analyse a situation, I start writing it down. At the end of the story, I found a solution and a great sense of relief. I believe that this also has shaped my mind to be strong and plays a part in helping me overcome things. What I suggest is that for you to do the same. I have many articles I have written out of frustration, which I have not published. But as I started to do this, I also wanted to help someone out because its likely that so many of us are facing similar situations. 

This is the main reason I started writing articles on how to deal with life in general. This is also the main reason I am writing this very personal article today. Just like we need to teach someone what we know, we also need to help someone deal with what they’re going through. Especially if its something we’ve already dealt with, before. 

This world needs more kindness and love like never before. This world also needs people to live life boldly and authentically. So, don’t hesitate to voice your thoughts. To seek help. To live life. But above all, don’t ever be ashamed to feel the way you feel. You don’t have to have it all under control. Sometimes it’s not entirely up to you.