Breaking The Cycle

 

I had a very loving upbringing as a child. A mother who loved me and a father who spoilt me. So much so that I grew up to believe that the world was just as loving. Just as giving. And that I would always get my way. My mom was by nature kind, caring, generous and maybe even naïve if I may add. But now as an adult I realize that this was not helpful at all.

I think it’s safe to say that the worst advise I’ve received to date was in fact from my mom. She used to say like a prayer that “Love was only to give & not expect anything in return.” This is the only way she knew to love but I now know that this statement is wrong on so many levels. I was raised to be a giver, an empath, a healer & a provider. No matter how I was treated in return. This indeed is obviously what I have applied to all my past relationships. I was repeating the same toxic cycle.

Then one day it dawned on me that the people I attract were the reflection of my own behavior. So I decided to break the pattern. Change the narrative and demand more from life, from people and from myself.

To only love and not expect anything in return by definition is unconditional love. But I beg to differ. We’re not supposed to love anyone despite and then call it love. Love is patience, love is kind. BUT love is also bettering another person and yourself, love is growing with someone out of the love you have for them or outgrowing them out of the love you have for yourself. Love is correcting someone when they’re wrong and showing them how to improve instead of agreeing with everything they do. Love is listening to someone’s needs and respecting their boundaries. Love is calm, love is freeing and love is having a best friend by your side.

What love is NOT is tolerating abuse, forgiving them for the same mistake over and over, questioning your self-worth, disrespecting yourself, holding on no matter what, making painful sacrifices or disregarding your core beliefs and values.

Love goes both ways. One person being in love whilst the other person has not done anything to prove themselves of being worthy of the love you have to offer is by all means not love. That is unrequited love. Unrequited love is not romantic or mind blowing. There is absolutely nothing beautiful about it. It’s worship. It’s disingenuous. It comes from a place of need, lack or self-love and deep seated insecurities. Learn to give up. Learn to stop.

But it is rather hard to condition your mind to believe in something else when you have programmed it to work a certain way for so long. Especially coming from a culture where women are secondary, I know that most teach their daughters to give in. Because that’s what I was taught. We’re told that being a lady means putting your husband first. We are never told that we should make compromises with our partner. It’s always to make sacrifices for our partner. We are told that our voice doesn’t matter because we need to hold the family together. We’re are also told that life is incomplete without a man by our side so we need to be patient cuz men will always be men.

I had to learn all these the hard way but with so many educated, intelligent mothers in this generation, it’s time to kick that 18^th century belief to the curb. Teach your daughters at a young age how independent she is. Teach her to know when she can do it all by herself but also when to ask for help. Teach her to love from a place of self-love and abundance so she also learns to recognize disrespect and stop. Teach her to let her guard down and be vulnerable but also to be strong and set boundaries. Teach her that it’s ok to get her heart broken, break down and cry but also how to pick up the pieces, build something out of it and carry on. Teach her that loving herself doesn’t mean shutting down but recognizing energy and selectively opening up. Teach her that respecting herself has nothing to do with preserving her virginity and everything to do with how fast she can get rid of someone who doesn’t value or respect her. Teach her that it's not about not needing a man but that she'd be just as fine even without one. Teach her not to settle for less until someone worthy of her love, life and time comes along. And lastly, teach her that it’s not about fitting into glass slippers but shattering glass ceilings. As women we’re all taught how to love from a very young age, but never how to receive or to stop when not appreciated.