The version of me you created in your head is not my responsibility

 

In my thirty years of existence the amount of times I’ve battled the feeling of “never being good enough” is countless and honestly, quite sad if you ask me.

As I’ve said before, I was raised in a household where openness and conservativeness were parallel. There are things that were ok to do and things that weren’t. It’s surprising that actually how some of the basic things were taboo and some things Asian parents considered taboo, I was allowed to do. Not gonna go into detail but I guess what I’m trying to say is, maybe growing up I was kinda lost in translation.

I was constantly told to consider the society as part of my lifestyle before making major life decisions because somehow, for some reason their perceptions mattered. I was taught to be very cautious about my appearance because well, looks matter. I wasn’t allowed to leave my house without a pair of earrings, I wouldn’t be caught dead in flip-flops, never worn unfitting or non-matching clothes even in my teens, hair never messy, make-up on point. Yep, this was my life growing up. The 1^st time I colored my hair was when I was 12. Ironically what I wasn’t supposed to do was, not even walk into my living room in a sports bra, not post any pictures in swimsuits, not get any piercings apart from my ears, tattoos were outta the question & so on. So basically, growing up I was like a spoilt kid from 5^th Avenue and simultaneously someone from a rural village in a third world country. I was taught that I should be “A Lady”.

What the actual fuck does it even mean to be a lady?! If you look up the definition of a lady it would say “a polite or formal way of referring to a woman” & if you look up the definition of a woman it says “an adult female human being.” So what are all these misconceptions & expectations?!

How is it that women who show too much skin are “asking for it” and men who do the same are acceptable. How is it that when men sleep around it’s an “achievement” and when a woman does it “she’s a whore”. How come men who are extra friendly and open-minded are nice human beings and women who do the same are “easy”?!

I have broken down so many times over the years by the amount of times I’ve been approached for “flings” & “casual sex” because I couldn’t fathom why this was happening or if it’s something I’m putting out there. I’ve questioned my self-worth over and over a million times and cried myself to sleep at night. I didn’t necessarily want a relationship & also appreciate people who are vocal about their intensions but sometimes I just wanted to be left the fuck alone and often wondered the audacity of these people to even approach me. I have questioned myself so many times if this was about the way I dress, the things I say & my points of view on certain topics until one day I actually became so self-aware that it made me realize it’s not at all me. These are the kind of people who would try their luck with just about anyone. It has nothing to do with how I present myself. It’s like how a moth is attracted to any type of light regardless of it being florescent or warm white. But just like you turn the light off to chase it away, you make yourself clear and turn them down. At the end of the day you cannot help whom you attract. Your job is just to filter them out.

I’m writing this today because I know of so many women including my close friends who have cried with me asking this very same question whether this is the type they attract or why no one values them beyond physical attraction. The truth is, we live in such a fast paced world where people crave variety and there’s nothing we can or can’t do to change their perceptions. But what I do know is, someone else’s version of us that they created in their mind is not our responsibility. The only responsibility we have is our reality. Our lives, what we choose to do with it & the consequences that follow.